Why do people cheat?
There are many reasons people cheat, and while the causes can vary greatly, certain themes tend to appear repeatedly in counselling sessions. If you’re struggling to understand why it happened to you, considering the following reasons might help you make sense of it.

Disconnection
One of the most common reasons for infidelity is a sense of emotional distance between partners. When a relationship becomes predictable and familiar, cheating might feel like a way to introduce novelty and excitement. This disconnection can result from a variety of issues, such as a lack of communication about feelings or issues, or the pressures of life, like work or parenting, which can reduce the amount of quality time spent together.

Feeling Unloved
In counselling, the concept of “love languages” helps explain how people express affection. Some partners show love through words, saying things like "I love you" or offering compliments, while others might express affection through physical gestures like hugging or kissing. If your love language differs from your partner’s, you might feel unloved, which could make you more open to the attention of someone who seems to understand you better.

Imbalance
In relationships where one partner feels like the responsible, decision-making adult and the other acts more childlike, infidelity can become tempting. The partner in the "parent" role might seek appreciation and equality outside the relationship, while the partner in the "child" position may feel criticized and inadequate, which could lead them to cheat as a way to reclaim independence and authority.

Fear of Commitment
Infidelity can also happen at times when relationships seem most secure, like after engagement, moving in together, or during a pregnancy. However, commitment can trigger fears of responsibility, and sometimes people unconsciously sabotage a good relationship as a way of avoiding these feelings.

Issues with Self-Esteem
People with low self-esteem often depend heavily on the validation of others. In some cases, the attention from one person may not feel like enough, causing insecurities in the relationship. In such situations, someone may cheat to avoid feeling rejected or to gain validation elsewhere.

Sexual Compulsivity
Infidelity can sometimes be linked to compulsive sexual behaviour, often referred to as sex addiction. While there’s still debate over what qualifies as compulsive behaviour, it’s clear that these actions can significantly harm both the individual and their relationships. For some, this can lead to affairs, one-night stands, or the repeated consumption of pornography or visits to sex workers. These problem behaviours can feel uncontrollable, even when they cause significant distress.

To Connect with a Different Version of Themselves
It’s often assumed that cheating means there is a problem in the relationship. However, as psychotherapist Esther Perel points out, sometimes people cheat not because they want to leave their partner, but because they want to reconnect with a different version of themselves. According to Perel, "It isn’t so much that they want to leave the person they are with, but sometimes they want to leave the person they have become."

Self-Reflection
Take time for self-reflection to explore your thoughts and emotions about the reasons behind infidelity. Being honest and patient with yourself during this process is essential. There are no right or wrong answers here, just an opportunity to understand yourself better.

Do you and your partner agree on what constitutes cheating?
People often have different definitions of what counts as cheating. Some may feel that even thinking about someone else in a certain way is cheating, while others may only view a physical act, like kissing, as a betrayal. If you haven’t yet discussed this with your partner, it might be worth exploring your boundaries around this topic. Here are some questions that can help clarify your views:

• Have you and your partner ever discussed what counts as cheating?
  • A. Yes, we’ve talked about it and have a clear understanding
  • B. We’ve mentioned it casually, but haven’t fully discussed it
  • C. No, we’ve never really talked about it
• Is jealousy a frequent source of conflict?
  • A. No, it rarely comes up
  • B. Sometimes, but not often
  • C. Yes, it causes frequent disagreements
• Do you and your partner agree on the use of pornography?
  • A. Yes, we’ve discussed it and are on the same page
  • B. We’ve talked about it briefly but never came to a firm conclusion
  • C. We don’t agree, or we’ve never talked about it

Results

Mostly As or Bs  

It sounds like you and your partner have a clear understanding of what counts as cheating. You’ve talked about it, you’ve listened to each other’s views, and you’ve agreed on a definition that suits both of you. It’s important to be able to talk about issues like this, even if they can sometimes feel like they might cause friction - or even worse. Keep being open with each other and your relationship could go from strength to strength.

Mostly Bs

There may be room for misunderstanding in the way you and your partner have communicated about cheating. You may have briefly mentioned it in passing or even squabbled about the idea from time to time, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve been able to talk properly about it or come to a shared definition. It’s important to try to talk about issues like this, even if it can sometimes feel like it would cause tension. If your ideas don’t completely line up, just being able to chat openly means you can at least try to find a way to compromise on things and you’ll be less likely to accidentally upset each other or cause conflict in the future.

Mostly Cs

You and your partner do not have similar ideas about what is and is not considered cheating. While this isn’t necessarily a problem by itself, what could be is that you haven’t tried to address this together. Avoiding talking about tricky issues is often a tempting option, but it can create real potential for hurt and conflict - especially when there’s space for misunderstanding to develop.

Does an affair mean the end of a relationship?
Discovering your partner’s infidelity can feel like the end of the relationship, but it doesn’t have to be. Many people still love their partners and want to make the relationship work, especially if there are children, a home, or joint assets involved. While you may feel embarrassed or ashamed to consider staying, it’s important to remember that with the right support, healing is possible.

A survey revealed that only 33% of the public believed a relationship could survive an affair, but 94% of relationship counsellors felt it could, often even leading to a stronger bond.

What does infidelity mean to you?
Reflect on your beliefs about cheating. Are there actions that feel like “grey areas”? Do you consider emotional (non-physical) connections as a form of cheating? How have past experiences shaped your views on trust in your current relationship?

Understanding Your Own Reaction
Discovering infidelity can be incredibly distressing, and you might experience intense emotions and uncertainty about how to react. Here are some dos and don’ts to guide you through this difficult time:

Do:

• Give yourself time to process the news and emotions.
• Talk to your partner to get the full picture of what happened.
• Ask for the truth, as lies can complicate recovery.
• Focus on the facts rather than dwelling on hurtful details.
• Reflect on whether you're willing to forgive and move forward.

Don’t:

• Ask for every detail; it can cause unnecessary pain.
• Seek revenge through “revenge cheating,” as it can complicate the situation.
• Involve your children in the conflict, as it can hurt them emotionally.

Talking to Your Partner About Infidelity
Approaching the topic of infidelity with your partner can feel overwhelming, but it’s essential for understanding what happened and moving forward. Here are some ways to navigate the conversation:

Preparation
Take time to reflect on your feelings before initiating the conversation. Write down your thoughts, talk to a counsellor, or speak to a friend to help clarify your emotions. When ready, choose a calm, distraction-free setting to have the discussion.

During the Conversation

• Be clear and specific about what you’ve discovered.
• Practice active listening—give your partner space to share their side.
• Be mindful of body language to avoid escalating the situation.

Managing Emotions
Emotions will likely run high. If the conversation becomes too heated, agree to take a break and return to it when both of you are calm.

Suggested Questions to Ask:

• Can you help me understand what happened from your perspective?
• What were you thinking at the time?
• Did you consider the impact this would have on our relationship?
• How do you feel about what happened?
• Are you willing to work through this, and if so, what steps are you willing to take?

Talking to Friends and Family
Confiding in friends or family can help you process your feelings, but it’s important to choose your confidants wisely. Keep in mind your privacy and emotional well-being, and set clear boundaries about what you share and how they can support you.

When to Seek Professional Help
If you find that emotions are becoming too overwhelming or intrusive, therapy may be a beneficial step. Therapy provides a structured, supportive environment for working through difficult emotions and exploring strategies for healing.

Deciding to Work Through It
If you and your partner decide to rebuild trust and move forward together, engaging in open, honest conversations about boundaries and expectations will be essential. Here are some discussion prompts to help:

• What constitutes flirting, and how do we feel about it?
• What boundaries should we set around physical intimacy?
• How do we feel about emotional connections outside the relationship?
• How can we maintain trust and transparency in our communication?

Conclusion
Recovery from infidelity is challenging, but it is possible with time, communication, and support. If you’re ready to start the healing process, I’m here to help. Feel free to reach out and book an initial consultation session with me to support you in the recovery.