1. Avoid sweeping things under the carpet

Get into the habit of setting aside some time to talk. It can be tempting to think it’s easier to avoid tricky conversations to keep the peace. The trouble is that this breeds resentment and it will come out when one of you snaps. It’s far better to air disagreements regularly rather than keeping issues bottled up.

2. Don’t put the other party on the defensive

How do you handle disagreements? Often, we are able to tell our partner everything they are doing wrong and accusing them of being the problem. This just causes the other party to feel attacked, they will retaliate and it becomes a fight for who is right.

In couples therapy, we suggest people try using ‘I’ statements. This means talking from your own viewpoint in terms of how things have made you feel. Although it can feel a little therapy speak, it can be useful to reframe the wording with, ‘when you do or say X, it makes me feel Y’. Taking responsibility for your own feelings is much less likely to make your partner feel attacked. It’s a subtle shift but in my experience it can be a useful tool to shift the tone of the disagreement.

3. Schedule a place and time

It is a good idea to plan and intentionally schedule a time to talk. When you do this, you are showing up for each other, giving your relationship your full attention and not just trying to fit it in whilst doing something else.

Also, a change of place can be beneficial if you’ve been having disagreements a lot in the house. Going for a walk somewhere neutral can shift the perspective and allow you to be more in the moment in a calmer mindset.

4. Plan time to talk and listen

We can assume that communication is about making yourself heard but this is only half the picture, it is also vital that you’re hearing each other.

When we’re in a heated discussion, we’re waiting for our turn to speak and not really tuning into the other person, we’re concentrating on our response. One can appreciate that no-one welcomes hearing something they disagree with. Crucially though, in order to fully understand our partner’s perspective, we really have to pay attention and take it in.

One useful suggestion is to follow a simple strategy of one person talks, the other listens and then reflect back what they said: ‘what it sounds like you’re saying is…’. And then take turns to do this so both parties get a turn to be heard. Again, it sounds a little therapy speak, but repeating back what your partner is saying can be a very powerful technique. It’s useful as it shows your partner you’re trying to understand where they are coming from and vice versa.

The point is about navigating what a solution might look like for you both. If you practice this fairer way of arguing then you will both be in a better position to find your way through the discord.

5. Practice

My final suggestion is to keep in mind that communication is a useful skill that takes time and practice to be good at. If you want to work on your ability to communicate positively as a couple, it is useful to build in these useful ways of relating to each other. There may be some days where you will have setbacks. Acknowledge to yourselves this is normal, keep going and you will find that gradually your ability to say what is on your mind and listen when your partner tells you what’s on theirs, does get easier.

How I can help

Couples therapy can be useful in helping you to understand each other and communicate more effectively, leading to a more fulfilling relationship.  If you feel you would benefit from couples therapy, book in a session or a block of sessions with me today.